Why I do what I do...

When I was a child I always dreamed that I would do something amazing with my life. "I want to help people," I would respond when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. Throughout the years I have contemplated a million and one options. I thought about being a teacher at an elementary school, a drama teacher, a daycare provider, a therapist, a school counselor, etc... I'm not really sure if there was one particular moment that lead me to where I am now. I have wondered about that several times... What was it that finally made me decide that my profession would be a caseworker? I have been pondering this because this afternoon I was talking to a former supervisor of mine and he asked me, "If you had it to do all over again, would you still do the social sciences?" I didn't even hesitate and I said, "yes." I turned the question back on him. He leaned back in his chair contemplated for a few minutes and said, "I only have two years until I retire. The only reason I stuck with this is that I am determined to get a pension out of the state!" He didn't really answer my question, so I asked again. He slyly smiled and said he too would do it again.

I doubt anyone really aspires to be the despised, and yet, there are many of us in the same position. I never thought I would have a conversation stopper for a profession either. Just imagine the dread that comes a long with the question, "Oh, What do you do for a living?" How does someone in my position answer that question without either totally killing the conversation or at least making it far too serious? I have tried on occasion to make it light, "Oh, I take kids away from rotten parents and give them to good people." Imagine how well that goes over, especially with people you don't know very well... every one has a story, just keep that in mind. The one time I tried that it turned out there was a removal in that persons family at one point. Open mouth, insert entire leg! There is no way to recover from that, so you just move on.

So, how does one get to this point? The truth is... I don't know. I look back trying to determine how I got here and I can see a lot of small moments that lead me to make the choices that got me here. You can call it fate, serendipity, destiny, guidance of the Spirit, the Hand of the Lord... whatever you are more comfortable with, but something was for sure there. Something "lead" me to where I am.

I have spent my whole life believing that I am meant to help other people. I still believe this is true, but I today made me wonder if I am doing any good. I had a few moments today that truly made me question if I am helping anyone. When I first started this job I was blessed with cases that provided me with the confidence in the work of the child welfare system. I knew that I was helping those families. I knew that they were better off after we helped them. I knew those kids were happy and healthy and had permanent and stable environments.

How did things change so quickly? People always said that burnout happens for people who care too much. How can I care less? These are children's lives we are messing with. These are real people with real issues and real concerns. Today made me really wonder about my job. The circumstances of the cases don't matter. The reasons the children were removed don't matter. The family dynamics don't matter. All that matters is that I had to tell a parent today that they do not ever get to have their child back. I had to tell that person that a family outside of their own family will be adopting their child. I had to tell that parent that after the adoption is finalized it will be totally up to the adoptive home what type of contact they get with their own biological child. When I got back to my office I was yelled at by a man that I have worked endlessly to help. I then prepared a file for a group of four siblings that will now and forever be living in four separate homes. How do I care less? How do I leave that at the office?

So you ask, "Why do you do what you do?" I do what I do because I care too much. I do what I do because that one child will now be in a safe and stable home that will never abandon her for a substance. I do what I do because even if he yells at me, his family is safe. I do what I do because I have been able to reunite four children with their fathers. I do what I do because I have coworkers that care and support me. I do what I do because I want to make a difference with one child. I do what I do because it is something amazing.