A week or so ago at staff meeting an interesting thing happened... my adorable co-worker, Rachel, sneezed. The sneeze itself was interesting because Rachel has a tendency to sneeze multiple times in a row rather than one huge blow out. The more interesting thing was the response from another co-worker, who shall remain nameless. She said, "What was that!? That was ridiculous. Just let it out." She proceeded to go on about the fact that a sneeze is like a fart or a burp, just get it out! I'm not gonna lie... It was hysterical. Not only that, it was super awkward! That is the reason that "Deadly Sneeze" number 7 is ...
6. The Behind the Wheel Sneeze
So, I have come to the conclusion that the #4 most deadly sneeze is during an intimate moment. Now, to make myself clear... I don't mean during hanky-panky. I mean during those quiet sweet moments where everything seems right in the world, until you sneeze and blow spit and snot all over the person you were sharing a special moment with... NOT attractive!
I think this next deadly sneeze is relatable mostly by the women in the audience... I have talked to several women who have said that they have the same trouble with bladder control after having a baby. This means that if you have anything in you bladder, unless you are clinched, you WILL have leakage. Two particular instances come to mind. The first was an occasion when I was hiking with my awesome friend, Brenna (Shout out!). She was pregnant at the time. As we were coming back down the mountain trail she had to stop me a few times so she could sneeze. The trouble was that we kept making each other laugh as well and we had drunk a lot of water! There was no trouble on the trail... it was just funny and makes me smile when I think about it. :) Love you Bren!
The second story is what really gets me going... I don't exactly have permission to tell this story, so I won't tell you who it was. :) I think this was about 7 or 8 years ago. I was at home with my family and such. One particular individual was standing at the top of the stairs trying to get the attention of those at the bottom of the stairs. As she was standing there, she sneezed. She had to clinch, but was standing a little close to the top of the stairs... She lost her balance and headed down the stairs! Luckily she landed on her butt, but unluckily she was wearing silk p.j. bottoms! She made it all the way to the bottom before stopping! My family STILL laughs about it! This story is the reason for the #3 spot:
We are nearing the end! The last 2 are, for me, the most frustrating sneezes... We all know that there are certain foods that just take longer to chew: beef jerky, celery, carrots, certain cereals (dry), etc. When eating these foods I am always pretty self conscience. Not only do they take a long time to chew, but they linger... You know what I mean... you feel like there are still stray pieces for 10 minutes after you eat! That is why a sneeze after you eat a carrot is so bad! Not only are the left over pieces slimy and all chewed up, but they are bright orange! Who isn't going to see that! Plus, having small bits of orange lodged in my nasal cavity is not exactly comfortable. All you can do is pray that when you eat a carrot your allergies are well under control! So, for that reason here is #2:
I remember very distinctly the day that I was released from the hospital after the surgery to remove the cancer. I was so excited! I hadn't worn make-up in almost 2 weeks and had my mom bring all my stuff so I could get "gussied up." While I was getting ready to go, my mom did some filming. She was doing a video of the room and the people and when she got to the view it was a very sentimental moment until from that bathroom she heard this, "AchOOOO! Awww, SUCK!" Yes, it is forever caught on camera! Why was I so upset? I had just put on my mascara! Now for all the boys out there, let me explain... mascara takes time to dry and when you sneeze you don't just lightly close your eyes, you shut tight... This leaves marks all across the bottom of you eyes and you end up looking something like this:
7. The Staff Meeting Sneeze
I think we all have learned that it is not possible to sneeze with your eyes open. Thus it is not smart to sneeze while driving... I'm just sayin'... it isn't safe! Cha-Cha reports that, "An estimated 2 million UK motorists have had an accident, near miss, or momentary loss of control due to sneezing. No death tally." Ok... it may not be deadly, but I'd rather avoid the accident!
Josh has been riding 4-Wheelers pretty much his whole life. When we got married I tried it out for the first time. I am still not great at driving and obviously do not have my my own. This means I am usually on the back riding with someone else. Generally that someone is Josh, but I just so happened to be on the back of my mother-in-law's ride at a really bad time. My little brother William had come for a ride with us and he didn't feel comfortable with anyone but Josh. Well... ever since the radiation for the cancer, my bladder is a bit sensitive and when you are straddling a four-wheeler it is not possible to clinch! Thus #5 is...
5. The Straddling a 4-Wheeler Sneeze
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "Dang, I am so hot that I even look good when I sneeze!" If that is the case let me just remind you that 1: you are not able to keep your eyes open so you have no idea what you look like and 2: I promise it is not cute! I googled images for sneezes and there are some really ugly sneezers out there! I even found this picture of a classy actress from the 50's that doesn't look so classy...
So, I have come to the conclusion that the #4 most deadly sneeze is during an intimate moment. Now, to make myself clear... I don't mean during hanky-panky. I mean during those quiet sweet moments where everything seems right in the world, until you sneeze and blow spit and snot all over the person you were sharing a special moment with... NOT attractive!4. Totally UN-sexy Sneeze
The second story is what really gets me going... I don't exactly have permission to tell this story, so I won't tell you who it was. :) I think this was about 7 or 8 years ago. I was at home with my family and such. One particular individual was standing at the top of the stairs trying to get the attention of those at the bottom of the stairs. As she was standing there, she sneezed. She had to clinch, but was standing a little close to the top of the stairs... She lost her balance and headed down the stairs! Luckily she landed on her butt, but unluckily she was wearing silk p.j. bottoms! She made it all the way to the bottom before stopping! My family STILL laughs about it! This story is the reason for the #3 spot:3. The Clinch Sneeze
We are nearing the end! The last 2 are, for me, the most frustrating sneezes... We all know that there are certain foods that just take longer to chew: beef jerky, celery, carrots, certain cereals (dry), etc. When eating these foods I am always pretty self conscience. Not only do they take a long time to chew, but they linger... You know what I mean... you feel like there are still stray pieces for 10 minutes after you eat! That is why a sneeze after you eat a carrot is so bad! Not only are the left over pieces slimy and all chewed up, but they are bright orange! Who isn't going to see that! Plus, having small bits of orange lodged in my nasal cavity is not exactly comfortable. All you can do is pray that when you eat a carrot your allergies are well under control! So, for that reason here is #2:
2. The Carrot Chew Sneeze
I remember very distinctly the day that I was released from the hospital after the surgery to remove the cancer. I was so excited! I hadn't worn make-up in almost 2 weeks and had my mom bring all my stuff so I could get "gussied up." While I was getting ready to go, my mom did some filming. She was doing a video of the room and the people and when she got to the view it was a very sentimental moment until from that bathroom she heard this, "AchOOOO! Awww, SUCK!" Yes, it is forever caught on camera! Why was I so upset? I had just put on my mascara! Now for all the boys out there, let me explain... mascara takes time to dry and when you sneeze you don't just lightly close your eyes, you shut tight... This leaves marks all across the bottom of you eyes and you end up looking something like this:
That isn't really the look I was going for that day! Or any day for that matter... It is NOT an easy one to clean up after. I always do my best to prevent a sneeze while doing my makeup, but if it happens you better hope that you have a q-tip at hand! So, the final deadly sneeze:
1. The Mascara Sneeze
Happy Sneezing everyone! Just be careful. ;)
